If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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