if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
