remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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