I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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