Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
