Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think I sprained my soul last night
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
