I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
