it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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