Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
