the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
