...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
