How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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