I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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