My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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