I wanna passion pit in your ass
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
the liver wants what the liver wants
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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