just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
