I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
