im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dignity is for republicans.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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