Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
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We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
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is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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