I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
40s are totally the cure
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
