just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
