hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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