I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
