First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
