You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
