I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
