Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
