I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
