so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
