i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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