in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All the doctor said was why
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I need to align my fucking chakras
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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