I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
