i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
