well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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