Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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