You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
