I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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