Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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