oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
