Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
