I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
