Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
