do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
