My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
