The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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