oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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