She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
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We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
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And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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