She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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