why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
