I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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