it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
