speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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