Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
