I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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