Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
